Leave it to me to go to a spa resort with my girls and feel inspired to write five new posts. That’s what a conversation with one of your good friends will do to you. Namaste, Serena. This post is dedicated to you and to our midnight conversation under a Palm Springs moonrise. The same moon I’d kissed Thor under. Because of you, Serena, I’ve taken a new turn. Within a few days of knowing him, I knew I’d blog about Thor. In fact, I told him about my blog, and should he be reading this right now, he will gain new insights into matters of my heart that I’m not sure I could tell him in person. He too is a writer. I think he’ll understand. The brief:

He has a girlfriend (of sorts; it’s complicated, although his Facebook status says he’s in a relationship with her). He and I get along well. We had a fling. We’ve recently built an emotional connection that may border on more-than-friendly. Problem? He still has a girlfriend, even if it is complicated. I still have a “boyfriend,” even if that too is complicated. And after sharing a few moments with Thor, I realize I’m no closer to achieving my ultimate goal (a relationship) and know I need to walk away. The lengthy (for those who have more time): First: I am not a jealous person. I know that by saying “I’m not a jealous person” makes me seem like I protest too much but trust me on this: I am not. I’ve dated men with swivel heads and simply understand that while I’m one hot tamale, the world is full of hot tamales and I don’t mind sharing my man’s gaze with them (as long as I’m the only one who shares his bed). Likewise, I’m a practiced flirt and have a large group of male friends so jealous men don’t do well in relationships with me. In summary, jealousy has little room to breathe in any relationship I’m in. So this is not about jealousy. But in the last few days, in the emerging vacuum of doubts I’m having about He-Who-I-Refuse-to-Blog-About, I’ve built some emotional moments with a man who really did understand me: Thor.

I could speak volumes about Thor, an intriguing Nordic-god-lookalike, who has interested me since the first time we met. Within an hour of talking, we were Facebook friends. Looking at his profile, I noticed that he was “in a relationship with” a beautiful blonde. So of course I did what any smart girl would do and congratulated him on said girlfriend’s hotness, then filed him away in the “Just Friends” category. And we kept meeting, as friends. But the conversation sparkled and tingled and after Thor revealed that the relationship between him and his girlfriend was tenuous at best, within a week the inevitable happened: a 2:00 a.m. apartment visit that ended at 10:00 a.m. the next morning. It was hot beyond words but we both implicitly agreed to maintain a friendly relationship. New realization: I can have casual relationships … with some men. Then there are the others. Meeting Thor made me see this reality. A couple of nights after our nocturnal tryst, I got a bit tipsy at a friend’s party and when I returned home, I called Thor. Would he like to go for a walk? He would, of course he would. So we took a midnight walk through a low-lit park, sat on a bench and, in usual Thor/Zoë fashion, entered into the type of conversation that is reserved for best friends and lovers. It was a beautiful blur of an evening, the type of evening that engraves itself into your memory as you speak, each word a glowing ember of thought. We kissed a little, considered another tryst and then decided against it.

Since then, we’ve been involved in a sweet exchange of text messages that bordered on flirtatious (“we are amazing together”) but was mostly friendly (World Cup updates; “What are you doing?” updates; and so on). Sometimes he would initiate the conversation and sometimes I would, but there was always a response. I was describing my adventures with Thor to Serena last night, and then it occurred to me as I typed my 12th text message to Thor in an hour: I was remotely sharing this moment with Thor (the moon rising above the trees on a hot, clear Palm Springs night) as if I was his girlfriend. I was reaching out to Thor, sharing an emotional moment that brought our thoughts together. I knew he was at home, reading Carl Sagan and preparing to go to bed. And in that moment of shared intimacy, I knew I had to stop. Serena asked, “What do you really want?” I found my answer: I want more than Thor – and all the other “Thor”s out there – can give me. I am treading water with Thor, a man who, regardless of how complicated his relationship is, is still in a relationship. It’s time to swim on my own. Thor is not the first person I’ve felt this way about. I’ve built connections with other men who will remain nameless on this site and within a short amount of time I was ready to back away. This time I’m not treading water anymore. I’m not ready to simply be second choice. I don’t want to be The What-If Girl, I want to be The Girl. Universe, give me a man who wants me and then we’ll talk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a tree-climbing date to cancel. I’ll be climbing solo.